I have never had a problem using my words. I’ve always been quite the expressive girl. Two words come to mind: Drama Queen. It’s not my fault really. I love words and was raised by a very colorful father who was quick with a joke (still is today!) or quip, or cuss word to sum up every situation. Being the third child I was squeaky and learned early on that class clown wasn’t a bad thing. Whether they were laughing at me or laughing with me didn’t really matter to me. Due to my sensitive nature, most times it felt like they were laughing at me… well hell, I was laughing at me. But so what? They were laughing and I have always enjoyed the laughter of folks and also watching people eat. I was born to please people. Yep. I am a people pleaser. There. I said it. Now I’ll get over it.
It would seem that the best way to deal with this hoarding of words buried so deep inside my soul is to expel them. You know, vomit. Puke them out… and in no certain order with no rhyme or reason according to my husband. My being a little ADHD, he sometimes has a hard time keeping my attention. I am so taken with flying things, shiny things, smells, leaves, feathers, bugs, clouds and sounds. I can scarce take it all in and so it creates these words that arrive with each emotion or senses overfilled.
Only recently have I found that you can attach ‘feeling words’ to such inner activities. Like hunger, anger, frustration, joy, sadness. I guess that’s called maturation– rather than just acting on these feelings being provoked by my surroundings. But I like acting. And it gets the laughs as well.
We went and saw Rocketman last night. It is a movie/biography of Elton John’s life. I never knew. I am flabbergasted. I found it to be quite raw and quite sad. There are many parallels into all of our lives if we choose to be honest. How can one person be so exploited right before our very eyes for so long and that we would not be privy to his pain. I have ever enjoyed Sir Elton John’s music and taken it into very deep places on my journey. I have the utmost respect for this man and I hope the rest of his life and that of his family can be lived in peace and great love.
The interesting part of yesterdays activities was that I took the day off from baking to go to a local songwriters festival in a nearby town. There were great songwriters there from Nashville and this was to be their masterclass for ten of us. I had signed up and paid my money to get schooled. And boy did I get schooled! I thought it would be in the construction of lyrics and chord progressions, not in the ways of my unsteady heart. I honestly think I am too old to be learning such huge life lessons but apparently not. The questions were posed: What are you goals? Why are you here? Where are you going with this? What will you do next? What can we help you with? Any questions? Why yes, I have questions now. But I do not think you are as equipped as my therapist to answer them.
YIKES!! I was only prepared to go and have some fun and soak in the presence of others within my craft. Scalded (perhaps too harsh a word) was more like it. I got soap splashed in my eyes and wondered why I drove home crying. Really? I am too old for this shit! (Use your words, Diane. I thought that’s what I was doing!) Hopefully, you also have these meaningful conversations with yourself.
I cannot put into words, even after a night’s sleep, what was all mixed up in a day of trying to sum up my life’s musical pursuits and exhaustedly watching Elton in his musical pursuits trying to kill himself– twice in the course of two hours. (Don’t worry. I’m not comparing myself to Elton John. I don’t hold a candle in the wind next to that guy!) Obviously he lives… not to spoil the end of the movie for you, but talk about emotions and shiny things, feelings and flying things, bows and flows and angel hair and ice cream castles in the air. My mind is still reeling trying to find my footing again. Songs, songwriters, fame, fortune, unfortune, Bernie Taupin, Hollywood, The Trubadour, Nashville, name dropping, striving, looking for love in all the wrong places, Blake, Justin, Miley, Honky Tonk, get back honky cat…
Then Construction Man, not to be confused with Rocketman, has three simple words to sum up my musical career. Ready? Here it comes…
ENJOY THE GIFT
Let me reiterate: ENJOY THE GIFT
What? He goes on to further explain that upon hearing me sing my songs and clumsily play my guitar (clumsy is my word–not his) he knew we were connected for life. That is what drew him to me. The magical peace in my talents that put his mind at ease and gave him rest inside.
Since that time and over the course of 40+ years, I have played and sang to many folks. Namely my children in utero and onward, encouraging them to play guitar, piano and sing out loud! Nowadays I play to an audience of one. Well two. God and Grace. My baby granddaughter… another gift and not only in name. She loves to hear gramma sing and watches my hands carefully as I bang away on the ole, cracked, resonant Guild. It’s a privilege to introduce her to Carole King, John Foggerty, Hillsong, Matt Maher, Janis Joplin, Jesus Christ and Bob Seger, to mention a few. I include the King of kings in this list because He was numbered with the trangressors elsewhere, and because He is music… and He writes the songs! Sorry Mr. Manilow. (You should trying being inside of my mind…)
Anywho. Bless those around you because you can and you already do. Stand strong and tall. You are right where you are supposed to be. Live, dear friends. Live life. Laugh, love, cry, fail and get right back up to live another day. You are not alone. We are all in this together. One big traveling show…
Now, I have a huge bowl of Cranberry Walnut bread dough risen and ready for scaling. Then it’s off to the oven where it will fulfill it’s duty baking to a crusty, tender, flavorful loaf of yeasty goodness! Don’t forget the butter.
Saddle up, missy! We got a trail to blaze.